Stole a Spoon

I am a 30-year- old extrovert living in a new town. I need to find some friends.

I’ve been trying to find people to hang out with, met a few girls, but they have kids, it makes it hard to schedule days to hang out.I signed up on a free dating site and basically said that I was new to the area, fresh off a heartbreak, just looking for people to have a drink with. That’s a dangerous game hahaha! I just want some friends. Simple and straightforward, yes? Apparently not.

The other night I met a great guy, who may have the sweetest most composed spirit ever. He would have made a great friend. After hanging out a few times, I asked if I could borrow his kitchen to bake cookies (purely innocent, I swear!). My kitchen, at the time, was under construction, I wanted to bake cookies for a friend’s birthday. It was a lovely evening! However, towards the end of the night he brought up the topic of dating.  I made a joke that he knew the rules in which I’m only interested in friendships. He smiled and nodded yes, but said that he wished that I would consider it, because we do get along and perhaps he would be the one to help me get over my ex.  After a bit, I decided that it might be best to part ways. I packed up my baking things and upon returning home, I discovered that I had packed up his baking spoon.

I sat staring at this spoon for a ridiculous amount of time. My mind replaying the last few months of my life, wishing that my emotion wasn’t true. I am still in love with my ex. How do you move on when you’re not sure why it ended in the first place? How do you find your footing and say goodbye when all you want to do is run straight back into their arms? How do you go about accepting that you must move forward otherwise you will go crazy?

I have been watching Downton Abbey (Great show!) In Season 4, Lady Mary gives a speech to her potential suitor of how she is not yet ready to let go of her love. “It’s no good, Tony, I can’t. I’m not free of him. Yesterday, you said ‘I fill your brain’ Well Matthew fills mine. Still. And I don’t want to be without him. Not yet.”  I replayed that scene over and over, feeling exactly like Lady Mary. Sometimes it is okay to hold on to that love, to hold on to the memories until I am ready to say goodbye.

Here’s to the broken hearted — may our hearts heal with time!

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