“Hey buddy! How did the application go?”
“Umm…I haven’t gotten to it yet.”
This is how the conversation with my best friend started this evening. I have had this idea for my future for a few months now. After much research and pouring out my heart into this idea, it now comes down to actually taking the first steps down this road…and I’m terrified.
Eight years of trial and error and being absolutely stuck. Eight years of stress and applications and rejection after rejection. Eight years of building and re-building my life. I have come very close to feeling absolutely worthless, complete with a feeling of defeat like none other.
I look down this road and I am scared. I am scared of taking a few steps only to be rejected yet again. I’m terrified of heading down another road only to see a closed door. I am scared because I want this opportunity so badly. And I’m scared of the possibility of where this road will lead, should the door remain open.
I have sat at my laptop half a dozen times this past week in hopes of completing this application. I haven’t even managed to pull up the website. I fight the feelings of failure and depression. I argue with myself that I am being childish and silly. Yet the fear is real. The terror of failing is real.
It’s amazing the effect that the power of someone’s words can have on one’s mind. I have told only a handful of people this new idea that I want to try out. Their responses have been all over the map. A few have been super excited for me exclaiming that I would be so great at this profession. Others have scoffed telling me that it won’t work and that I need to get a real job. The few remaining, have let me be excited while calmly asking all the logical questions. All of their responses roll around my mind constantly replaying again and again, and yet again. What is that pressure and weight that makes taking this step so much harder to accomplish?
Over this past week, I have asked a few people how they stay motivated to accomplish a task. It’s interesting that all the suggestions are so simple–simple to say yet difficult to see through. (Why is that?) My best friend did give a great piece of advice; she says she can usually motivate herself by setting a goal of 10 minutes. Just think of sitting down to that goal for 10 minutes. Once that time has gone by, then assess if you can give it another 10 minutes or move onto another task. Brilliant!
Okay, I’m taking that first step, 10 minutes at a time if needed. But it is a forward motion, so that counts right?
Here’s to the broken adults taking a first step in a new direction—may we remember to breathe deeply, square our shoulders and keep on stepping forward!
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