Non- Identified Self Part I

You’re self-destructive. You’re a disappointment. You’re too quiet. You’re too sensitive. You’re not trying hard enough. You drag your heels. You should get a degree. You should apply here or there. You are not enough.

Bullying. Everyone has been there. Even the bullies. Bullying doesn’t stay in grade school though. It seems to follow me throughout my adult life. What is incredibly hurtful is that these words come from the wonderful people that I looked up to.

When I am bullied by people that I don’t know it doesn’t bother me. Okay maybe it does. I will fume about it and try to prove my worth BEFORE I drop it all together and let it go.

But when I am bullied by those closest to me—whoa–that is a whole other level of hurt and pain. Not only do I try harder to prove my worth but my heart is torn by the betrayal that I even HAVE TO defend myself.

I try to reason that they are just disappointed or frustrated with me and that they really do just want the best for me. But that’s just it. I am disappointed and frustrated with myself too. So let’s look for answers together.

Please don’t call me names. Please don’t take charge and tell me what I need to do or how I need to live my life.

Instead…

I cordially invite you to take a day with me and see my life from my point of view before you offer off-the-top-of- your-head advice. Fill out an application with me. Ride the bus to work with me. Read my journals and notes of ideas that I have tried. Read why they didn’t pan out. Read about what I plan to do next. See my life the way that I live it.

But PLEASE do not bring me down because you are frustrated with me.

I am already down.

I am trying to climb up.

Will you help me?

My godmother tells me that I should pray joy into their lives. Hmmm.  That’s hard to do with tears streaming down my face and an urge to kick them. But maybe that’s the point. Maybe they are missing joy in their own lives.

Here’s to the grown-ups dealing with bullies—may we rise above and bring them joy too!

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***Follow me on Facebook and Instagram (heres2grownups) for random blurbs and post updates. I will–hopefully–be posting a blog every Monday! With a rise of requests I am looking to post every Monday and Thursday from here on out. (Wish me luck with that haha!)

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