For Myself

I had orientation today! (Insert a blissful-sigh-of-enjoyment-working-towards-a-goal here!) The enjoyment is that I am doing this for myself—I came up with this idea, I am driven, I have the passion and I have gone through great lengths to see this through.

It’s hard, at any age, to be told what to do. It’s almost more frustrating as an adult when those closest to me have an agenda and expectations heaped on my shoulders. But I have such a freedom in my excitement because this is for me—I got here on my own (with heaps of prayers and support)!

I grew up with the expectations of being like my older sister. There was pressure to be just like her in looks and mannerisms. I have very few memories of someone being proud of me just for being myself. That kind of pressure is evident in my life as an adult. I am timid to jump right in to tasks for fear that I will do it wrong, that it will fail or that I will be a disappointment.

Part of this self-discovery is learning how to heal from the past. I think that’s why I have taken the time to build up my life—surrounding myself with a community, full of supportive friends.

A few days ago, I had the opportunity to share with my ex that I was headed back to school. (We all imagine getting the last word in or showing up looking better than the other one) The funny thing is it wasn’t as justifying as I thought it would be. I thought it would be so fulfilling to share that I am moving on and doing well. But it almost didn’t seem to matter, to my inner self, as I was sharing my great news. Good lord, could this mean that I am finally getting over my ex? Oh I do hope so!

If this is the case, then I believe that I owe him a thank you. If he had not left me at rock bottom, I would not have found myself. I turn to these lyrics, “Thanks to you, I got a new thing started. Thanks to you I’m not the broken-hearted. Thanks to you I’m finally thinking about me. You know in the end the day you left was just my beginning…”*; and these, “I’m giving you up. I’ve forgiven it all. You set me free. Send my love to your new lover. Treat her better. We’ve gotta let go of all of our ghosts. We both know we ain’t kids no more.”* Mostly heartfelt but maybe a little too snarky? Perhaps! But that’s just another side of me. I am on to new beginnings, new places, new challenges and starting anew!

Here’s to us grown-ups choosing our own adventures! May we have the courage to see our journey through!

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*Stronger by Kelly Clarkson

*Send My Love by Adele

***Follow me on Facebook and Instagram (heres2grownups) for random blurbs and post updates. I will–hopefully–be posting a blog every Monday and Thursday! Feel free to comment and tell me your story. Also if anyone is on good terms with Ellen Degeneres, I’d love to get noticed by her!

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