I found myself in the kitchen, spooning No-Bake cookies (grandma’s recipe, yum!) onto wax paper, letting my mind wander. I’ve finally had the time to think through everything that’s happened over the last several months. Do you take the time to reflect about things too? My mind will replay every moment, every word, every text, every thought…I’ll act out different arguments, different apologies, trying to see things from different perspectives, just trying to understand what actually happened. Welcome to overthinking ha!
It’s been difficult to find closure—to be okay—with everything that has happened. It’s also taken me a while to write this one, (the last several weeks…) I’ve been trying to figure out how to put emotion into words. I’ve joked with my friends about just filling the page with obscenities and putting the guy’s name as the title haha! Would that be rude? Honestly, what bothers me the most is that I am bothered that I am still bothered—it just keeps going over and over in my mind. Does that happen to you? Or are you normal?
Goodness, I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again, this has been a very confusing year.
So I had met this guy, we started out casual, neither of us looking for anything having both been burned by previous people. After a couple weeks we realized we liked each other. The problem? He was only here for a job, would be leaving after a couple months.
The part that I cannot process is that he pursued me, he initiated everything and led me to believe he wanted something more. In February, he asked me out on a date. Then a few days later he asked me to be his Valentine. We started texting everyday, spending more and more time together, on dates or he would have me come over for a home cooked meal (the man’s Italian—he can cook!)
You know the most confusing place someone can be is when you know you have a connection with someone. But you’re not actually officially together. But you’re not just friends either.* *Credit to Brian Hamlin
While this was going on, I had a friend who moved over to the same state this guy is from, she messaged me and offered me a job over there (knowing nothing of this guy that I was seeing) and I found it funny, so I shared that with the guy. He laughed and we started sort of talking about the future, in the sense that I would only be two hours away from him and what that could mean.
All this talk turned into an idea of a weekend trip, so that I could check out the state and the job and hang out with my friend, while he went home to visit his kids then we would drive back together. Somehow this plan morphed into a week long trip with him playing tour guide; he showed me all around the state, we stayed at a different place every night and had a great time…
…Which makes this whole situation all that more confusing…
I asked you a million times if this was what you really wanted—if you actually wanted us to work because I didn’t want to waste your time or my own for that matter. You said you didn’t want anything or anyone else. And for some reason you still walked away in the end knowing how I felt about you. I would have done anything for you…* * Credit to Emily Mackey/Dylan Slander
And I’ve been hurt before but never quite like this—you really got me good. You strung me up and left me out to dry. And I’ve been hurt before but still gave you my trust guess I wasn’t enough—not good enough to be loved.* *Credit to Gawne Hurt
We got back from the trip completely exhausted but happy, he helped me carry my suitcase upstairs and hugged me before heading out…and that was the last time that I saw him.
I don’t know how to process guys who initiate the start of something only to walk away for no particular reason. Do you?
Why waste my time, my hopes and my already broken heart by initiating when you were just gonna ghost? Why waste your time, your money, on a trip when you weren’t going to do anything else with this?
Like how…wha???..ummm….I…wha???…I just can’t process this! My mind is left with, “What was the point? What did you get out of it?”
When people go ghost on you this is one of the things that I have learned. Sometimes people are running from themselves—they’re running from themselves. Everybody says they want something real until they meet somebody who wants them to be real….everybody wants real until it’s time to be real. And I’ve discovered sometimes people are running from themselves and when they were with you they stopped for a second but you were so real that it was about to expose that they’re fake…and it just so happens that our heart ended up being the collateral damage from them running from themselves.* *Credit to jerryflowers.jr
The really sad part is this happens a lot these days—it’s what they call “modern dating”. (Now there’s hook up culture, which is self explanatory.) But there is something that my girlfriend’s and I like to call The Pretend Girlfriend Package.
“We are living in a culture right now that does not value commitment, that does not value family and marriage and long lasting relationships instead we’re willing to throw it all away…”* *Brett Cooper
“The Pretend Girlfriend” is where some sleazy dude pursues a girl, they’ll flirt and treat and spoil her taking her out, or staying in cuddled up on the couch—all without having the commitment or strong title of being something to each other. Then they’ll ghost before it can become too serious. Basically using another human being to fill the emotional connection that they are missing.
Dudes be like, “You didn’t deserve to be hurt like that…you deserve to be hurt like THIS* *Credit to Female Problems
Maybe, maybe, I just don’t know how to process being used. Do you?
I mean, it’s one thing if it stays casual, but once you start pursing and being intentional—(for goodness sake’s he asked me out for Valentines Day!) then, on that trip he paid for everything, he introduced me to his kids, he went with me on a double date with my friend and her beau having his arm around me and kissing me every five seconds…if that’s not intentional, then, it’s being careless with someone’s heart and that’s abuse.
Telling her you’re not ready for a relationship but expecting relationship benefits is abuse. It’s confusing. It’s hurtful. Just stop it.* *Credit to Jarah30
Oh I don’t think you understand, I want to date you. I want to hang out, eat junk food and watch movies and just open myself up to you emotionally, physically, all of that. But I also want you to leave me alone.* *Credit to jfloydwood
I’ll say it again…. Telling her you’re not ready for a relationship but expecting relationship benefits is abuse. It’s confusing. It’s hurtful. Just stop it.* *Credit to Jarah30
Unsolicited advice is quick to say, “Oh well, just move on” or “He sounds like a jerk, you deserve better” or “It’s just dating, you didn’t know him well/long enough, why does it bother you.”
It’s not that I have to have an answer from him, or understand what was going through his head, or even wish for different outcomes—it’s just that when things don’t make sense or I didn’t see it coming…it’s hard for my overthinking mind to process what just happened and why it happened. Now that my life has slowed down (knock on wood, throw salt over my shoulder and cross my fingers…) my mind has been going over certain events trying to find answers, any answer, or any reason when I wasn’t given one—in short, trying to find closure.
So here’s what I don’t get, right, you wanted her. You pursued her. You told her everything she wanted to hear, and the sad part is she believed you. She let her guard down. She gave you the benefit of the doubt, thinking you were different. Do you know what it took for her to open up after she’s been hurt? Just to get disappointed by you. Just to get further damaged. Just to be further let down. And losing all faith in finding a real man. A woman’s heart is to be protected not played with. She needs to be loved not used. She needs to be lifted up and not torn down.* *Credit to Toni Alexis
The truth of the matter is, that it did matter. Because it happened. It was real, for a second. That’s not something to dismiss. It was real and it has effected me, in a small way, and it will always be a part of me.
I’m not mad. I’m not sad. I’m just tired…I’m tired of getting attached to somebody and then having to forget about them every time…* *Credit to imcalebanemo
I didn’t need another lesson or another painful thing to heal from. I needed love.* *Credit to Carrie My Sweet Addiction
I was driving to work the other morning, and this new song came on the radio, called Excuses by Kolby Cooper, I just had to look up the lyrics (once I parked and could safely look at my phone of course) Do you ever hear one of those songs that sums up your emotions perfectly?
What just happened/ I thought we were on the same road/ In the fast lane/ Right there on the same page/ Then it all changed/ And all I heard you say/ Was, “It ain’t you it’s me/ You deserve someone better/ So this is how it’s gotta be”/ You ain’t seen forever/ So I’ll just stop you right there/ Cause all I hear are
Excuses about everything that we had and why we had to lose it/ Yeah some bull that you said/ about how we fell too fast too hard/ We’ll just break each other’s hearts/ And all those reasons why you said you had to do it/ Sure sound like excuses
How can you stand there/ And look me in the eye/ Lie and tell me you really care/ Could have saved us both some time and just left me there/ Could have come up with a couple better Excuses
You could’ve said you don’t love me anymore/ You could’ve said nothing and just walked out the door/ Deep down we both know these are just Excuses*
Whenever you catch yourself missing someone who left your life, remember that each day they wake up and make a conscious decision to leave you out of their life. They wake up and choose to maintain the silence, to not talk to you…And they don’t care if the space between you two gets larger. That in itself is powerful closure.* *Credit to imcaleburonly
I may never be able to fully process…whatever that was…but I can accept that. I can be proud of myself that as many times as my heart has been broken (stabbed, gored, harpooned, impaled, jabbed, lanced, pecked, picked, pierced, pinked, punctured, ran through, skewered, speared, spiked, spitted, stuck, transfixed, spindled, perforated, riddled, knifed, sliced… (courtesy of Merriam Webster Thesaurus ha!)) I still remain softhearted, believing in love and the good of people.
“Love is always a risk. And I know it’s easy to think this is never going to last so why don’t I end it now, but the chance of love doesn’t come around every day. One must think long and hard before one casts it aside.”* *Credit to Why Women Kill TV show
Here’s to the broken hearted, regardless of how long or how little—May we never harden our hearts or become bitter, but sympathize with empathy that our world could use more love.
~Adalaide Green @Copyright 2022 Posting most Thursdays unless she’s avoiding putting emotions into words by means of binge watching The Big Bang Theory while eating a GIANT bowl of cereal (Honey Bunches of Oats and Apple Cinnamon Cheerios topped with slices of a banana) while sobbing and looking up quotes that touch her heart—it’s a writer’s thing.
*All 11 photos found on the Internet *All quotes cited in the post today because there are so many of them
Adalaide Green is the author of the Heres2grownups blog. She grew up as a small town girl originally from Colorado, used to reside in Southern California, but is now settled back into her hometown in Colorado—and has been Here and There and Everywhere-in-Between. Surviving the adult everyday life, single and in the thirties club, she writes of her adventures in hopes to encourage fellow grown-ups while battling heartbreak, dating scenes, paying bills with no money, making friends who have no time for get-togethers, and trying to find her place in this world! Follow Adalaide Green on Facebook or Instagram @adalaide_green for laughs, giggles and encouraging memes! Here’s to growing up in this crazy world!
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